Viper's Feeling Minnesota aka Pro Tour Stop #3, Day One
06/22/2007
This past weekend I had the pleasure of flying to one of the worst airports in all of world, St Paul MN. You might ask, why St Paul, MN. The reason, to judge the best of the best wake shredders at the 3rd Pro Wakeboard Tour Stop.
My journey started off with arriving at what I like to call an airport trailer park. I de-plane the 1970’s Northwest Airlines plan and make the call to the boys to announce my arrival. I head out to the curb with instructions to look for a white minivan. For those that don’t know the airport very well, and I am guessing that is everyone, the pick-up lane seemed at least half a mile long and 6 cars thick. I wasn’t about to try to find them so I called the boys again and here is the conversation I had.
Me: So where are you guys?
Them: Down at the end in a white minivan…you see me waving my hands?
(funny thing was there were about 20 white mini vans with people waving their hands)
Me: I can see you.
Them: Keep walking we see you.
Me: OK, I am almost at the end and I don’t see you.
Them: Shit…sorry you went too far…turnaround.
Me: Damit…you better have a cold beer for me in the car.
Them: Wait…stop…is that you.
Me: Yeah…I am waving my hands…you see me.
Them: Shit…sorry…I guess I was looking at someone else.
Me: Where the fuck are you?
Them: Just keep walking back I will hop out and grab you.
Me: OK.
Me: Ugh…I am back where I started.
Them: Shit did we miss you again?
Me: Can you not see my waving my hands…I am jumping up and down.
Them: No…because we are still at the hotel…hahahahah.
Me: I am going to shave your eyebrows off tonight in your sleep.
Them: I think we are going to take a nap…should be there in about 2 hours.
Me: I hate you and this state!
Anyway, I get picked up maybe 10 minutes later with cold beer in the car so I couldn’t be too mad.
We head towards the booming town of St Paul and grab some sushi at a local joint. We get filled up on saki and sushi and then decide to hit the town. Well, if you don’t know, and again, I am guessing you don't, there is nothing and I repeat nothing to do in St Paul expect take pictures of buildings as you see from the pictures I took.
We decide to head back to the host hotel which was the Hilton. We soon discovered we were not actually staying at the Hilton, but instead we were down the street in the Holiday Inn. When we pulled up, it appeared to be closed because of the boards on the windows. To our surprise the hotel was open. It turns out that the boarded up rooms where just blocked off due to mold. Awesome. We all laughed and decided to go join everyone else back at the hotel bar between the Hilton and Hampton, a stretch known as the Green Mill.
Since you weren't there, just imagine the smallest town you have ever been to. Then picture a bar that is attached to the only hotel in that town and you have the Green Mill.
We walk in, order up a round of beers, and the high fives and knuckle punches start to flow. I quickly gave my “what ups” and headed towards what would soon be known as “did you see me kill that deer with one shot”.
I was so happy to see a video game that had a shot gun and you could shoot deer. What a perfect way to spend the night. We all pair up and start to play. The first couple of minutes you here the occasional “die motherfucker…die”. A couple of minutes and beers go by and the guys really start to get into it. “I’m gonna’ kill you and wear your skin as a coat you bambi look-a-like”. You get the point.
After a couple of hours of killing deer we decide to walk around the hotel and see what was going on. Apparently, we lucked out and ran into a wedding were all the women were at least 300lbs or larger. We took some pictures and one of the brave soldiers went out on the dance floor and shook his ass with the bride. We all were quickly over that and turned the corner and entered a room full of black people. I guess it was some type of club or gang or something and they were having a meeting.
Have any of you seen the movie Animal House? If you have you will remember the scene were the four white guys walk into a black bar and the music stops. Well, that is exactly what happened.
We quickly turnaround and thought to ourselves, who is drunk enough that we can convince them that there is a bachelorette party going on. Well, we found one poor sole and told him to run down the hall because there were some horny girls that needed his manhood. Of course, we all followed because we knew what he was about to come across.
He opens the doors runs in and stops…I think his eyes were closed because he went into the room about 20 feet before he realized he was about to be killed by a bunch of drug dealing gang members.
We all laugh…and I yell out got you back fucker!
So, we look at each other and notice that it was around 2am and we had to be at the contest site in 6 hours. So, we got in the car and headed back to the hotel.
Everyone else heads up stairs, but I and another solider wanted another beer. We start looking around and a guy comes up to us with a name tag literally taped to his shirt that says “Dave”.
Dave: What are you boys looking for…I am the security guard.
Me: Some beer.
Dave: I will sell you some for $3 a can.
Me: Fuck that…I will walk to the gas station.
Dave: What about anything else?
Me: What do you mean…I thought you were the security guard.
Dave: I am…but I also have connections.
Me: Where are the women?
Dave: I can get you whores for $150.
Me: I will take 5.
Dave: Here is my number…call me in 30.
Me: You sure?
Dave: Just call me.
Me: OK.
So, I roll back to the room watch some TV and attempt to call Dave about 5 times. No answer, just our luck.
That pretty much sums up the first night.
Stay tuned for more from MN.
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